Pucker up and put on some protective lip gloss, ladies. Because it is time to Meet the Toads. I’m often asked why I speak of toads rather than frogs when it comes to kissing. The simple answer is that all toads are frogs but not all frogs are toads. Toads are uglier. Toads are fatter. And toads carry warts. Frogs, on the other hands, are simply slimy and green.

I know you can’t imagine kissing another toady date. I have been there. My whole mission is to help you recognize the Toads before you get stuck living under a toadstool in a land far far away from your happily ever after. With names changed to protect the innocent, naive and clueless men in Toad clothing who are populating the online dating sites, here is a sampling of the cast of characters I have come to love along the way. I wonder if you will recognize any of them!

The Toads

Species Name: Leeching Parasitis Spongius

• Common Name: Freeloader Toad
• Species Description: Likely the loudest in the pond, the Leeching Parasitis Spongius can usually be found puffing his chest to let out a deep and disturbing croak just before he orders his next beer. The Parasite species leeches onto its host and flourishes by draining the wallets and the self-respect from the host body and soul. This toad often benefits from a case of mistaken identity as early courting rituals in online dating emails and early communications may resemble the Don Juanius Debonairus, to include promises of exquisite meals and of romantic adventures. However, these characteristics act as camouflage against other predators and protectors of potential host bodies. Hosts should listen to close friends and to internal intuition. Typically these protectors echo the same message – run!
• Mating calls: “I’ve got the check, doll – you can pay me back later <wink>”; which progresses to, “How about we split this one?”; and at full potency when you hear, ”Can you spot me a $20 til pay day?”;  or , “Babe, I need another $10 spot to win our money back on the pool table.”
• Habitat & Distribution: Taverns, Dive-Bars, and All-You-Can-Eat Buffet style restaurants, but he is usually separated from his wallet. Gravitate towards pool and poker tables as well as dart boards, typically seen sinking the cue-ball in a high-stakes game against the larger species, Toadus Sleeveless Flannel Beer Guttus.
• Distinguishing Characteristics: Over-inflated chest may cannibalize the extensive ego as the two traits fight for primary identification status. Jeans pockets perfectly detail the backside with no distinguishing traces of a faded wallet-outline.
• Symptoms of Infestation: Short incubation period – warts manifest early enough in the host that intuition should cause stomach pains. Begins with the heartstrings, typically pulling with stories of sorrow related to children, sickness or elderly parents draining his wallet. The venom from this toad weakens the hosts immunity to reality. As the poison seeps into the soul, the host falls into a state of rapture, confusing the attack to the bank account with an investment in her future.

Species Name: Don Juanis Debonairus

• Common Name: Romantic Intruder
• Species Description: Apparent wounded soul with a poetic croak, Debonairus is sultry and emotional. He lures potential hosts with promises yet unfulfilled – committing to monogamy when initially entranced – but ultimately elusive to deep or true connection.
• Mating Calls: Truly, Mon Cherie, how misunderstood I feel. My sensitivity is so often mistaken for romantic manipulation. All I want is to be loved, and to feel the exhilaration of loving you deeply, wholely, completely. You’ve taken my heart captive – be gentle.
• Habitat and Distribution: Drawn to athletic fields and hockey rinks, the most dashing species is found nearby the preferred host Soccer Mom environment …
• Distinguishing Characteristics: Commonly mistaken for a smoother frog rather than true toad, his warts cover his tongue rather than his outer flesh. The slicker touch of his skin acts as a natural aphrodisiac. Robust croaks – seeming to originate in the lower belly – actually flow naturally and without second thought.
• Symptoms of Infestation: Lulled into a hypnotic state, victims of the Romantic Intruder fall curse to the lapping from a rolling tongue that carries a strain of warts for which no cure has been found. Immediate isolation is required when symptoms are recognized, and the victim suffers chronically when infected. Unlike the poison from Freeloader Toad that leaves a bitter anger, when the host is rescued from Debonairus, she is left with remniscent thoughts of what might have been – the effects of the poison so powerful that as a victim, one truly never admits to being infested.

Warmest Regards

Heidi Lee

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P.S. I’m hoping for a wedding invite from the yet unmarried. I’ll keep you informed!