Over 35 and still single, ladies? Or worried that you will be?
(Fellas, this Toad Warning is for you, too!)
Now, now, my lovelies. Did you think you could escape being labeled a Toad just because of gender? Grab a mirror, sweet peas, if you resemble anything below. Tough love – but a critical lesson to learn – especially for those of you who make lists …
Online Dating is not really all that different from traditional dating except your computer is now the best friend that sets you up on blind dates. We still have the same deal breakers (non–smoker; good job; socially acceptable) but do we sometimes mistake the list of deal breakers with a list of features we’d like to see in a perfect world? If your answer is yes, 
congratulations – you are this month’s Toad. If not, read on anyway to learn how to circumvent these mistakes in the future.
Species Name: Negativius Diabolique Princessia
Common Name: Lonely Cat Lady
Species Description: Driven by lists and a biological clock, this Toad is the neediest and most clueless of all others – she thinks of herself as quite a catch during the amphibious mating season but always questioning why none of the frogs she meets ever seem to measure up. Believing herself to be of the smooth–skinned, anti–wart frog variety herself, she has difficulty understanding that frogs accept each other’s scaly exteriors rather than mistaking a minor skin irritation as a permanent wart. When frog qualities don’t match the demands on her list, she moves on to the next frog and begins identifying his problems as well.
Mating Calls: This Toad uses the art of masquerade to trap unsuspecting hosts into believing he is exactly what she’s been looking for. As a result, the similarities the host sees between Diabolique and himself cause him to quickly fall into a euphoric state but weaken his defenses. She may exclaim, “Wild Boar Hunting? I loved when granddaddy used to clean his rifle.”, or “Of course I think Hans Solo was sexy – I’d love to go to the Sci-FI convention.”
Diabolique, of course, has no interest in either. She enjoys the early novelty of mating but quickly finds fault and begins to nag when those initial false interests are introduced to her routine.
Habitat and Distribution: Online Dating Sites are ripe with Diabolique types. These Toads also frequent speed dating events, backyard barbecues and Happy Hours – anywhere they believe they may meet single men. She prefers the company of mated frogs to her own species, and believes she can suck the happiness from monogamous frog relationships by monopolizing conversations about how no decent frogs are left in the pond. She mistakenly believes that by speaking these magic words in the company of happily married frogs that her own Prince Charming will magically appear.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Diabolique’s skin changes color in a similar way to her chameleon cousin – blending into the host environment in the throes of early infatuation. When in direct sunlight, however, the Toad’s true colors show through, uncovering the truth that she doesn’t blend into the Host’s environment; instead she’s trying to change him into a more acceptable mate. She becomes negative, pushy and overbearing, attempting to force the host to morph into a mythological, undiscovered variety of “Perfectia Froggius” she remembers from folklore and fairy tales.
Symptoms of Infestation: Pride in having found the perfect mate is slowly replaced with feelings of inadequacy. Hosts for this Toad experience uncontrollable urges to cling to 
Diabolique, and the host becomes inexplicably generous to appease the fear of loss hebegins to feel even while still in the presence of the Toad. Host’s wallet empties as quickly as his self–esteem plummets, and the host is left heartbroken and devastated. However, the host in this situation can recover quickly, primed to meet the frog he is meant to marry.
Meanwhile, Negativius Diabolique Princessia Toad likely grows old alone, and is eventually eaten by her cats.
Enjoy the first chapter of my upcoming memoir, The Art of Toad Kissing, to learn about how I kissed the toads so you won’t have to.