Species Name: Tuber Potatus Hemorrhoidius
Common Name: Spud- Species Description: Tuber Potatus is a high energy, low return investment Toad with an emotional dwarfism and delusional complacency. Often bred in single-parent homes, the overindulgent mother/father did not equip the offspring with emotional maturity for post-umbilical cohabitation.
- Mating Calls: This tuberus variety entices potential mates using naive facial expressions and mischievous winks. A common flirtation occurs in Aisle 3 where Spud may ask, ”Excuse me, Doll, can you tell me if this peanut butter spreads better on bread without the crusts?” The innocence in the voice entrances the prospective host, awakening a maternal craving which she confuses with a youthful sensuality.
- Habitat and Distribution: Basement dweller and bottom feeder, this toad typically moves from maternal womb immediately to host environment – seeking the shelter lost with the separation of the tad-pole like umbilical cord. Hunting grounds may include shopping centers, playgrounds or electronics stores. Specific to the Online Dating habitat, this species will lurk in age groups likely 10 to 15 years the senior, understanding that mates within his own age group may not have fully matured maternal instincts necessary for this creature to thrive.
Important note of Mating Call variations in the electronics environment. Spud uses an offensive attack – preying on weak and confused host prospects with his inflated knowledge of the widgets within the Remote Controls.
- Distinguishing Characteristics: Heavily weighted back end ensures successful infestation in preferred Lazy Boy. Boyish charm and an increased libido make this Toad easy to spot with a trained eye. Potential victims of this Toad must realize that the heightened sexual energy will quickly be replaced by a new Xbox 360 in the host’s living room. Essential to explain that this Toad is carries a rare mutation of Hemorrhoidal Warts that scientists struggle to classify – therefore treatment is unlikely.
- Symptoms of Infestation: Not to be confused with Freeloader Toad - this specimen camoflaging his sofa-driven tendencies with a childlike energy – potential hosts hope to absorb Spud’s youthful dynamic through process of osmosis. Victims may experience cravings for inline skates or hiking gear – believing these activities could reduce the gravitational pull of the couch, the hammock, the barca-lounger and when forced – the loveseat. Advanced stages of infestation show the host females finding fulfillment with dinner at the drive-thru and dessert in front of a 52″ new screen airing Jackass the Movie …
